Change is Good?

Confesión Número cuatro: I am deathly afraid of change. Really ridiculously.

Change...is good? I have always had a lot of trouble with the concept. I never seem to find it simple to swap in the new, whether it be the shinier pair of shoes; leave me with the worn soled shoe with the slight scuff. They fit better anyways. Ever since I can remember, the concept of trading the old with the new has frightened and crippled me.

January 1989- Mami and I ventured to the local hair salon for my first intense hair cut. Yes, I still remember it and the cold sweat ensued when I realized that the longer tresses of the previous 4 years of life were being transformed into the Latina 'mullet' complete with sideburns. I know you envy me...mullets are sexy and sideburns, oh Lord, are what's hot in the streets.

June 1993- Mom decides to move to Buffalo to be with the dad. Change is good, right? I can now play outside without fear of rubbing elbows with the local hoodlums and occasional drug dealer (who may have been a family member) in BK. I'll be living with dad. SCORE. This is the life....except my whole school was entirely White except for me, Teresa Tam and Joe Desmond (whom all my 'friends' assumed I liked). Prejudice FTW. Don't even get me started on not being chosen to play Annie Oakley in "Annie Get your Gun". Why did I have to be a Native American? *side eye central*

August 2002- I have made it. Goal accomplished and I have successfully made it to my dream school- Cornell and the 'rents have left me in my awesome dorm room...except I spent the next 3 days crying hysterically and locked in my room. Well, until meal times, because if you have visited Cornell, you know our dining hall food is off the chain. I was depressed but I was not crazy! After the breakdown, I got my act together and made it some of the best years of my life.

I've been thinking of this lately because I am starting to feel like it may be my last year in my current work position. It scares and saddens me for so many reasons. As a teacher, you get really invested in your students and although this year's senior class is my fave, there is always another and another student that you want to see make it through and graduate. It is a never ending cycle of reassuring you that your work was not in vain and made some impact. On the other hand, it is emotionally taxing and physically exhausting. As a professional, I love my coworkers (or most of them at least) and the thought of having to enter a new environment and start all over, is not appealing to me.

But, most of all, what frightens me the most is not being able to find success elsewhere. It is easier to stay where "everyone knows your name" (Cheers style) and people know your work ethic and all that jazz. I do not want to be a failure or show any sense of insecurity, especially in the eyes of the family. What will they think if I do not have my usual stable profession? I have spent the past 4+ years proving to everyone that I have got it all together and I do. But, change is needed and I find it hard to embrace this reality.

It frustrates me that the same fear that crippled me during my mullet haircut still paralyzes me when thinking of moving on to another opportunity. How can I grow in so many areas but this one?

Good thing I have 10 months to truly work through this BS 'chicken' alter ego and work on my 'bold bad a**' side but change while not easy, if well thought out will most definitely do me lots of good.

Life...Unplugged

Confesion numero tres: My name is Mari and I am an internet-oholic.

About one month ago, I took a mundane yet bold step to unplug myself from all the stimuli that many of us indulge as if our lives depended on it-- Facebook, Blackberry, Twitter...all of it. I took a 48+ hour break from it all. I turned off my phone, checked no emails, did not read any tweets..nada. I did it as a personal challenge. No big deal, right? Wrong.

I found myself in cold sweats about not being able to check the every move of my many acquaintances and few close friends. I missed the ring that Mr. Berry makes when I get the useless emails that all have deadlines, directives...blah blah blah. I missed the sporadic phone calls that rarely bore good news but mostly reinforced the details of useless emails. I started to realize it was a vicious cycle: I get emails from people who often then call me to talk about the same crap that they emailed me about. I realized I am too connected and not in a way that I was happy with. Change was needed.

I took inventory of other ways that I could supplement my time away from technology. I watched TV, movies and the like. I read magazines and the book I had been neglecting for weeks. I thought...yeah I thought. About life. Where am I going? What do I want out of my career? Am I proud of the person I have become? All that deep stuff that I have been neglecting as I have been busily responding to my 'time-sensitive' and important messages and ridiculous tweets. Those 48 hours did me a world of good.

Now, I would be a complete hypocrite to expound upon the glories of my "tech-free" weekend, as if I have left my past 'connected' life behind. I have not. I still tweet my heart out, RT the wittiness of other Tweeps sparingly, and check my email and the lackluster status updates of my Facebook friends more times per day than I care to admit. All of it plays a role in my life - but not the main role. I've come to believe that all of the technology should be the "Dave Coulier" to my "Bob Saget" (Sorry, in a Full House mood- but you get my point ;-)

I have written and sent quite a few cards recently, just because. I have initiated (non-email) contact with old friends and distant family. I have decided to forgo immediate responses to emails on the Metro that Mr. Berry has alerted me to. It's not that serious. It's email-- not life or death. It can wait. Life cannot.

In the meantime, I need to get myself together. And every month or so, that may motivate future 'unplugged' weekends. Who's with me?

Try it and let me know how it goes. Even if you cave after 4 hours. Let me know the bliss (or stress) that you felt for those 240 minutes of 'disconnected' freedom.

Besos,

Loca

Why Does Life Suck?

The incessant question. Why does life take the sudden turns, leaving us reeling and trying to catch up? Beats the hell outta me! I just saw the new film "500 Days of summer" and it brought out such raw emotion in regards to the meaning of life, fate and the circumstances of human existence. Despite having a blessed life and lots of great people in my life, the movie made me consider the "what if's" of life and the "why's" of previous crappy situations.

I know, I know. Save me the "everything happens for a reason" and "what does not kill you makes you stronger" rhetoric. God has it all under control. I get it. I know it. I have moved on...and have decided that I need to get to the bottom of why life indeed sucks at times and why the circumstances that seem the most ideal rarely work themselves out in the same 'awesome' and perfectly crafted manner. I am pretty convinced that I will not find an adequate answer, because that is totally me. I am never satisfied and always striving for a perfect 'something' even if that utopic space does not exist.

Maybe life sucks so that we can bond with our fellow miserable man. I mean, really. When was the last time that you called your girlfriend or met up with a friend for coffee and gushed about how awesome your boss is, how considerate your BF is and how much your mom did not criticize your every move during your last phone convo? Think about it.

Life may just smack us around for the sake of getting under the 'skin' of perfectionists like myself that can barely deal with a hair outta place, let alone a failed relationship, overwhelming workday and the rest. I admit that the suckiness of life takes me over at times. I pout, I cry and I yell that "life's not fair" like a preteen. However, I have concluded that is just fine because I would rather openly wallow in the sadness and share that with someone than to "troubleshoot" this life alone. I'm on a mission for answers about this life thing. Who's with me?

One of my fave quotes from "500 Days of Summer" said it best:

"People don't realize this but loneliness is overrated".

Indeed.