Watch your Words

Confesión número cinco: Our inclination to judge keeps us from reaffirming others’ beauty

After a long hiatus from my confesiones, I really feel the urge to continue to give my thoughts a new home in addition to their palace in my mind because they are on overdrive most days.

I want to get a few things off my chest that I hope gets us all moving in the right direction, especially females but really the entire human race (yes, fellas, I guess you are kinda human most days). My girl Irene alerted me to Operation Beautiful, which in essence, reminds women of their worth and beauty by leaving post-it notes in unsuspecting locations that say "You are beautiful". A bit corny or syrupy sweet, yes but, I deem, very necessary. Now, our cynical worldview often tells us that “it’s all about me” and “eff the world”, but since that has done zilch to move us forward, I am all for people trying each other like people – not savages. Spreading a positive word can lessen the sting that most of us feel from the negative "vampires" in our lives.

Most importantly, the judgments --- THEY HAVE TO GO. In the past week, I have experienced from the pettiest to the most cutting attacks to my character, my choices and overall realized the attacks were on me. Now, as an experienced side-eyer (yes, it is a word) and confident woman, I usually do not let it get to me. But, it has me thinking more carefully about what I say and why I say anything to anyone-- from a cherished friend to the homeless dude on the corner--- words matter. Intent often does not match the impact of our words, and I would rather use my words wisely to speak a logical truth that to just spew utter nonsense into the universe. God, Allah, Buddha, Shiva, Mother Nature --- don’t like ugly so please cut it out.

And, one more thing, it is not about freedom of speech; it is beyond your constitutional right to say what you want. All I am saying is that with such a precious freedom, many of us lacked the responsibility to use our words to lift others up but just aggrandize ourselves, our views, our agendas.

Seek out one opportunity to say a positive word to someone that deserves it. Refrain, just once, from making that comment that you know is off and won’t be taken well. Golden Rule, mis amigos, Golden Rule…

Change is Good?

Confesión Número cuatro: I am deathly afraid of change. Really ridiculously.

Change...is good? I have always had a lot of trouble with the concept. I never seem to find it simple to swap in the new, whether it be the shinier pair of shoes; leave me with the worn soled shoe with the slight scuff. They fit better anyways. Ever since I can remember, the concept of trading the old with the new has frightened and crippled me.

January 1989- Mami and I ventured to the local hair salon for my first intense hair cut. Yes, I still remember it and the cold sweat ensued when I realized that the longer tresses of the previous 4 years of life were being transformed into the Latina 'mullet' complete with sideburns. I know you envy me...mullets are sexy and sideburns, oh Lord, are what's hot in the streets.

June 1993- Mom decides to move to Buffalo to be with the dad. Change is good, right? I can now play outside without fear of rubbing elbows with the local hoodlums and occasional drug dealer (who may have been a family member) in BK. I'll be living with dad. SCORE. This is the life....except my whole school was entirely White except for me, Teresa Tam and Joe Desmond (whom all my 'friends' assumed I liked). Prejudice FTW. Don't even get me started on not being chosen to play Annie Oakley in "Annie Get your Gun". Why did I have to be a Native American? *side eye central*

August 2002- I have made it. Goal accomplished and I have successfully made it to my dream school- Cornell and the 'rents have left me in my awesome dorm room...except I spent the next 3 days crying hysterically and locked in my room. Well, until meal times, because if you have visited Cornell, you know our dining hall food is off the chain. I was depressed but I was not crazy! After the breakdown, I got my act together and made it some of the best years of my life.

I've been thinking of this lately because I am starting to feel like it may be my last year in my current work position. It scares and saddens me for so many reasons. As a teacher, you get really invested in your students and although this year's senior class is my fave, there is always another and another student that you want to see make it through and graduate. It is a never ending cycle of reassuring you that your work was not in vain and made some impact. On the other hand, it is emotionally taxing and physically exhausting. As a professional, I love my coworkers (or most of them at least) and the thought of having to enter a new environment and start all over, is not appealing to me.

But, most of all, what frightens me the most is not being able to find success elsewhere. It is easier to stay where "everyone knows your name" (Cheers style) and people know your work ethic and all that jazz. I do not want to be a failure or show any sense of insecurity, especially in the eyes of the family. What will they think if I do not have my usual stable profession? I have spent the past 4+ years proving to everyone that I have got it all together and I do. But, change is needed and I find it hard to embrace this reality.

It frustrates me that the same fear that crippled me during my mullet haircut still paralyzes me when thinking of moving on to another opportunity. How can I grow in so many areas but this one?

Good thing I have 10 months to truly work through this BS 'chicken' alter ego and work on my 'bold bad a**' side but change while not easy, if well thought out will most definitely do me lots of good.

Why Does Life Suck?

The incessant question. Why does life take the sudden turns, leaving us reeling and trying to catch up? Beats the hell outta me! I just saw the new film "500 Days of summer" and it brought out such raw emotion in regards to the meaning of life, fate and the circumstances of human existence. Despite having a blessed life and lots of great people in my life, the movie made me consider the "what if's" of life and the "why's" of previous crappy situations.

I know, I know. Save me the "everything happens for a reason" and "what does not kill you makes you stronger" rhetoric. God has it all under control. I get it. I know it. I have moved on...and have decided that I need to get to the bottom of why life indeed sucks at times and why the circumstances that seem the most ideal rarely work themselves out in the same 'awesome' and perfectly crafted manner. I am pretty convinced that I will not find an adequate answer, because that is totally me. I am never satisfied and always striving for a perfect 'something' even if that utopic space does not exist.

Maybe life sucks so that we can bond with our fellow miserable man. I mean, really. When was the last time that you called your girlfriend or met up with a friend for coffee and gushed about how awesome your boss is, how considerate your BF is and how much your mom did not criticize your every move during your last phone convo? Think about it.

Life may just smack us around for the sake of getting under the 'skin' of perfectionists like myself that can barely deal with a hair outta place, let alone a failed relationship, overwhelming workday and the rest. I admit that the suckiness of life takes me over at times. I pout, I cry and I yell that "life's not fair" like a preteen. However, I have concluded that is just fine because I would rather openly wallow in the sadness and share that with someone than to "troubleshoot" this life alone. I'm on a mission for answers about this life thing. Who's with me?

One of my fave quotes from "500 Days of Summer" said it best:

"People don't realize this but loneliness is overrated".

Indeed.

Therapy is too pricey...

therefore I will blog on.

Confesión numero 1: I am afraid of being a boring blogger (thanks Jaded for the inferiority complex)

I have run from the opportunity to blog about my ridiculous life and the crazy world I live in...until now.

I GIVE UP!

Blogging goddesses, take me away, because God knows I cannot afford the therapy I need...nor can I keep my mouth shut about all this mayhem around me.

Barack and McCain are dealing each other daily blows to the ego and so forth...the smog in Beijing is about to kill half of the world's athletes ala global warming...my love life is nonexistent and stale to say the least...and school is about start.

'NUFF SAID- Blogging is a must!

On a side note, stay tuned for the vacation wrapup after next week's DC week with the niece is over...