Change...is good? I have always had a lot of trouble with the concept. I never seem to find it simple to swap in the new, whether it be the shinier pair of shoes; leave me with the worn soled shoe with the slight scuff. They fit better anyways. Ever since I can remember, the concept of trading the old with the new has frightened and crippled me.
January 1989- Mami and I ventured to the local hair salon for my first intense hair cut. Yes, I still remember it and the cold sweat ensued when I realized that the longer tresses of the previous 4 years of life were being transformed into the Latina 'mullet' complete with sideburns. I know you envy me...mullets are sexy and sideburns, oh Lord, are what's hot in the streets.
June 1993- Mom decides to move to Buffalo to be with the dad. Change is good, right? I can now play outside without fear of rubbing elbows with the local hoodlums and occasional drug dealer (who may have been a family member) in BK. I'll be living with dad. SCORE. This is the life....except my whole school was entirely White except for me, Teresa Tam and Joe Desmond (whom all my 'friends' assumed I liked). Prejudice FTW. Don't even get me started on not being chosen to play Annie Oakley in "Annie Get your Gun". Why did I have to be a Native American? *side eye central*
August 2002- I have made it. Goal accomplished and I have successfully made it to my dream school- Cornell and the 'rents have left me in my awesome dorm room...except I spent the next 3 days crying hysterically and locked in my room. Well, until meal times, because if you have visited Cornell, you know our dining hall food is off the chain. I was depressed but I was not crazy! After the breakdown, I got my act together and made it some of the best years of my life.
I've been thinking of this lately because I am starting to feel like it may be my last year in my current work position. It scares and saddens me for so many reasons. As a teacher, you get really invested in your students and although this year's senior class is my fave, there is always another and another student that you want to see make it through and graduate. It is a never ending cycle of reassuring you that your work was not in vain and made some impact. On the other hand, it is emotionally taxing and physically exhausting. As a professional, I love my coworkers (or most of them at least) and the thought of having to enter a new environment and start all over, is not appealing to me.
But, most of all, what frightens me the most is not being able to find success elsewhere. It is easier to stay where "everyone knows your name" (Cheers style) and people know your work ethic and all that jazz. I do not want to be a failure or show any sense of insecurity, especially in the eyes of the family. What will they think if I do not have my usual stable profession? I have spent the past 4+ years proving to everyone that I have got it all together and I do. But, change is needed and I find it hard to embrace this reality.
It frustrates me that the same fear that crippled me during my mullet haircut still paralyzes me when thinking of moving on to another opportunity. How can I grow in so many areas but this one?
Good thing I have 10 months to truly work through this BS 'chicken' alter ego and work on my 'bold bad a**' side but change while not easy, if well thought out will most definitely do me lots of good.
